god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
