I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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