I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
