You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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