I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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