Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need a beard to bite.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
