ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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