Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
