"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
