my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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