Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
