Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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