I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
