I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
