I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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