I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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