I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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