My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
