You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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