I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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