what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
