last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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