living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
