Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
