I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
