It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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