how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sobbing to NWA
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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