first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
