She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
