i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That accounts for only three of the penises
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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