The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
