My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
