I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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