Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
