Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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