Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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