Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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