and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize