I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
