From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
and she was petting her beer can
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
