You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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