I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think people are normalizing furries
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
