I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
