On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i dont even know how to be here
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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