I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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