What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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