Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
