He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
