am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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