I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
