I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
