Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
