she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
