Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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