I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
