Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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