my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
