he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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