There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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