At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
