I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wear drunk well.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
