Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
